To Have Loved and Lost
by SomewhereBeyondReality
Summary: Five years after the finale Christopher and Logan look back on the Gilmore Girls they have loved and lost. JavaJunkie and Lit!


**Right, before you guys assume anything, despite this story featuring Chris and Logan it is a definite JavaJunkie and Lit story. Set post finale when Luke/Lorelai and Rory/Jess are happily married, about five years after the end of season 7.**

**Disclaimer: If I was Amy I'd talk a lot faster and Season 7 would have Luke and Lorelai's marriage instead of Chris's. **

**X-X**

Logan Huntzberger had experienced many unexpected events in his life. (Falling off cliffs, proving his father wrong and committing to a relationship were just a few examples).

He supposed running into his ex-girlfriend, almost fiancée's father just finished the list.

Honestly it was inevitable. The two of them were in the same industry and although the business world was big they both had to meet with people from all over the country.

It had just been a shock to flick through his meetings for the day and find the name _Christopher Hayden _stamped in for 9:00am. Couldn't fate (or whatever damn higher power was out there) have given him the morning to prepare at least?

But it wasn't really that big a deal. It had been over five years since he'd last seen..._her_.

Although it had taken a while to get over the _one girl _who'd refuse Logan Huntzberger he hadn't exactly been pining since then. There'd been other relationships since: mostly flings but one was getting more serious.

It was just he'd never _had_ an ex (or been dumped) before and people said there was something 'special'about your first relationship. And although Rory wasn't the first girl he'd been with (nowhere near), she was his first girlfriend, so reminiscing was to be expected.

So everything had been fine. He'd always liked Rory's dad (he'd liked Lorelai as well – and she'd been the important one in winning Rory) but there was something about Christopher that reassured him that not _all _rich, playboys had to end up like Mitchum.

So after a couple of weeks of exchanging ideas and papers and all of that crap, he wasn't surprised when a 'document signing' at Chris's apartment ended up with the two of them sprawled on the sofa drinking beer and comparing private schools.

"Welton was the worst."

"Ah, old Hellton. Remember the uniforms?"

Logan winced. "Unfortunately. It's amazing how the same clothes can look equally crap every year, no matter the current fashion."

"Too hard for your vanity, huh?"

"Say what you like: but my own mother wouldn't look at me. Well she didn't normally anyway but she looked _more _disgusted than usual. She had it all thrown away the moment I was expelled."

"At least you had yours thrown out for you," said Christopher, chuckling, "I had to burn mine in the end."

"Your parents must have been thrilled."

"Not quite. I did it while I was still there," said Chris, tipping him a grin over the top of his beer bottle. "You know in the big courtyard. A group set it up a massive bonfire in the morning and by the time assembly came round the whole school _reeked _of smoke. Everyone came running out to see the five of us standing there – completely naked I might add – roasting our blazers like marshmallows. We had to wear track shorts while they called our parents."

Logan snorted, imagining the reaction. If Chris's parents were anything like the Mitchum it was a miracle he was still alive today.

"You have no idea how much I wish I'd been there." He said seriously.

"Thanks," said Chris, "There are photos if you want to see them. We thought we should document the experience."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah," He gestured vaguely to the cabinet stretching along the side of the lounge wall, just behind Logan's chair. "Top shelf on the left."

Logan put his drink down, stood and made his way over to the crammed shelves, scanning them keenly until he found an album labelled _School Days (Also known as Time in Second Circle of Hell). _He bit back a grin.

As he pulled the book of hell out though, the album wedged next to it tumbled to the ground, scattering photo's everywhere.

"Oh, _crap."_

"What happened?"

He rolled his eyes, kneeling down to try and pick up the photos. "Nothing. I just thought I'd –" He stopped.

Chris peered over his shoulder. "What you looking at? It better not be my great aunt I thought I – _Ah_."

Logan swallowed dryly, picking up the Christmas card. On the front in a swirly font that was unmistakably Lorelai was the statement: '_Happy Christmas from Your (Finally) Fully Shackled Gilmore Girls' . _He held it for moment, debating what to do and then flipped it open. There were two photos stuck to the inner flaps.

On the left side was a picture of Lorelai and a man he recognised as Luke, obviously taken on their wedding day (if the white dress and suit was anything to go by?)Luke seemed to be grabbing her from behind, arms wrapped around her and hands tickling her waist. Lorelai was doubled over in laughter, fingers gripping his wrists and squirming to try and escape.

Logan chuckled to himself, unsurprised that Lorelai had chosen to put this on a general Christmas card rather than an official photo. He took a deep breath, focusing on the four signatures scribbled at the bottom of the page under '_Happy Christmas – Love From'_ before sliding his gaze over to the photo on the right flap.

It was another wedding photo, although in black and white this time. Rory was curled up under a tree with the gazebo he recognised from Stars Hollow in the background. She was leaning on her now-husband's shoulder, their fingers laced together and heads bent over a battered book. (If he squinted he could make out the title _Howl _on the spine). If it hadn't been for their clothes he'd never have guessed they were at a (_their)_ wedding. (Who read a book at a freaking _wedding _for crying out loud? Weren't you meant to dance or make the rounds or something?)

He took another deep breath and dropped the card back on the floor, trying to make the gesture appear light and casual. He was normally more controlled than this and it wasn't a big deal. He'd just like _warning _before suddenly finding his almost fiancée's wedding pictures for crying out loud!

He didn't need warning that the groom would be writer boy though. There was always some part of Logan – from the moment he'd seen him in Emily and Richard's drive – that had realized there was _something _between Rory and Jess Mariano.

Chris watched his almost-son-in-law warily. Logan's jaw was set and stormy emotion flashed in his eyes. He wondered if this was how he looked when he saw photos of Lorelai and Luke.

Honestly he'd been disappointed that Rory had refused the proposal. He'd understood Logan, the background, where he came from, why he walked away – everything.

It was probably inevitable that Rory refused.

He sighed deeply and sat down next to Logan, picking up the card off the floor and leaning against the back of the chair. He hadn't known how much contact the two of them had kept but from Logan's reaction it obviously wasn't much.

That was yet another thing he understood. Although he'd _known _about Lorelai and Diner Guy (_Luke, _he told himself, _his name's Luke_) it had still given him a shock to hear about the engagement. And that was after realizing the hopelessness of his future with Lorelai. It had taken them twenty years to accept it. Logan never had that closure.

(Though he admitted that kind of closure was pretty rare: not many people took that long to say a final '_we're over'_ to each other).

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes, staring at the many shelved cabinet.

Eventually though –

"Was it a double wedding?"

Chris shook his head slowly. "No. Luke and Lorelai got married a while back – a couple of months after Rory's graduation I think. They've got two kids now: William and Mia – Rory's siblings." He said quietly. "She got married just this year; they had to go long distance for a while. She was travelling and...Jess was busy in Philly with writing and everything. Eventually though his publishing company opened a branch in New York and she got a job at the Times. They moved in together and...things just moved on from there I guess."

Logan didn't reply and Chris moved his gaze to the photo-littered carpet feeling distinctly uncomfortable and wondering if he should have given that much information. He'd got the impression that Logan had wanted to know but didn't want to ask. (Who would?) He'd tried save him the trouble.

Maybe it had been too much though – he didn't want to think how he'd react if someone loaded details of Lorelai's idyllic existence on him. He leaned his head back against the cool leather and closed his eyes. Decade's worth of frustration pound through his skull.

"Crappy wedding though." He muttered.

"What?"

"Crappy wedding." He repeated, and then chuckled humourlessly. "Well – I guess depends on your taste. Very quaint. They got married by a lake on this bridge aisle thing and all of the crazy town residents – plus his equally eccentric arts friends there. Her grandparents were freaked out. At least Emily was, Richard was more interested in trying to discuss yet another new book with the newlyweds. " He laughed bitterly again, realizing he was slightly drunk and going off on a complete tangent. "Course I didn't even get to walk her up the damn bridge." He mumbled.

"Wow, they must've _really _bucked tradition not to include the father."

"Oh, there was some tradition." Chris said, gripping the photo tightly. "Lorelai walked her up the aisle – Rory insisted that she deserved the honour. And then at the reception she made the 'mother of the bride' speech and _he – Luke_ made the father of the bride speech. Of course, seeing as he was also Jess's best man things got kind of complicated."

He opened his eyes. "There he was; making two speeches – one for _my _damn daughter and the other for my son in law who I hardly knew. And I was sitting at the back table with the old relatives no one ever wants to invite."

"Not _that_ table," said Logan, with a hint of humour that made Chris feel marginally better.

"Yeah _that _table. At least I got invited to that wedding. The most I got about Lorelai's was a really awkward phone call that ended with: 'I'd better go, I think Paul Anka's set something on fire."

"That rough," said Logan sincerely.

Chris was about to agree but stopped suddenly, feeling a twinge from his normally silent conscience.

"No," he replied honestly, "It was fair. I didn't deserve to be involved – in either wedding. I was never there for Rory, when she was – growing up and everything. He was."

He shook his head wearily, remembering when Rory visited him a while before his father died. "Rory told me herself: he was always there. When she had chicken pox, her high school graduation, moving to college...I should've made the effort but I didn't."

Logan didn't say anything else and when Chris turned to look at him, he saw that his eyes were closed, either from trying to blot out the conversation or just from exhaustion (it _was_ getting pretty late).

He sighed again and got up, moving back past the chair to grab his bottle of beer from the coffee table in the middle of the room. He considered for a moment, staring down and then picked up Logan's beer as well. They seemed to have migrated to the floor but that didn't mean they couldn't be comfortable.

Clutching both bottles, he slipped back beside him: returning his focus to the (damn it to_ hell_) Christmas card still lying open in front of them. As he let the bitter taste flood his mouth, he leaned back – rolling his eyes to the ceiling and thinking.

He knew he could be a spineless bastard at times – he had a lifetime's worth of experiences to back him up after all:

He'd practically abandoned Rory – only returning sporadically to sleep with Lorelai, been unable to stick to a steady job until he was over thirty, helped destroy Lorelai and Luke's relationship (_twice)_ for totally If-I-Can't-Have-Her-No-One-Can reasons and couldn't even keep a_ marriage _together for more than a couple months.

He shook his head: at least he was able to admit all of that now. Moments of clarity – when he could look at himself _this_ clearly – were rare and painful. No wonder he and Lorelai never worked out.

But their failed relationship went deeper than his sometimes arse-like moments. He represented the whole _world _Lorelai ran away from and no matter their attraction he knew that he just wasn't Lorelai's 'type'. (He would never admit he used such a phrase – like something out of the magazines Gigi would start reading a couple of years from now).

He looked back at Logan, still sitting in silence and felt a sudden wave of empathy for the blank expression on his face and clenched fists.

Logan's lot was harder time because Chris was sure that he'd never been as a much of a jerk.

Yes Lorelai had murmured about several occasions: (like the 'bridal party' and the 'yacht') but Logan had got himself together a hell of a lot quicker than he had. He'd grown and improved only for the rejection to be the same – but Rory had less excuses than Lorelai to hide behind.

It was obvious that Logan had realised the truth that Lorelai had admitted to Chris: "_You're the man I __**want **__to want." _

But neither of them were the men that the Gilmore Girl's _wanted._ Want to want and want were very different things and it had taken him a while to realize that.

Chris threw back another mouthful of beer, aware that the nausea in his stomach was growing. He was beginning to think this had been a bad idea. Should he just give him the papers (he'd almost forgotten that was why they were talking in the first place) and get this whole crappy situation over with?

He was considering the idea when Logan spoke suddenly, his low voice breaking into Chris's thoughts.

"I knew it wouldn't work out."

Chris paused. "What?"

"I knew it wouldn't work out," repeated Logan calmly. "Well – not immediately obviously and I didn't admit it until after we were over but there was always this...thing in the back of my mind that told me it wouldn't work. No matter what happened I'd always be that '_blonde dick at Yale'_ " From his tone it was obvious he quoting some previous conversation. "I mean, you know what the two of them were like: living in that crazy town, mocking their grandparents and pretty much anyone in the top end of the social spectrum. That life never impressed her."

Logan reached out for the beer between them and squeezed it between his fists. He didn't seem to notice Chris reeling in surprise at his own thoughts being echoed out loud.

"Hell, I never impressed her." He gave a sheepish smirk that was heavy with irony. "I mean most girls: you smile, buy them some expensive piece of crap and they're yours for life. She never wanted that – if anything it put her off. She didn't like the big gestures and that was all I could do."

Logan stopped and gave a shaky sigh, taking another sip of beer. He just couldn't get over how freaking _ironic _it was that the one girl he fell for didn't melt to his charm. While Rory tolerated the romantic things: the Birkin Bag, the coffee cart, the public proposal, the stupid horse drawn carriage it was never _enough _for their relationship.

"I mean what else are you meant to do?" He asked wearily, "I thought that was how you were meant to get the girl."

Chris chuckled, sounding as tired of the whole situation as Logan felt. "Not a Gilmore Girl." He said wryly, "Lorelai has dated I don't know how many men over the years: a school teacher of Rory's who according to her was the nearest thing to a perfect gentlemen _outside_ of fiction. Jason Stiles who had women queuingup to date him. Me (and I don't mind saying that I was quite the eligible bachelor in my day) and she ends up with a monosyllabic, blue collared diner owner who doesn't know how to shave. I mean what the crap?"

Chris ran his fingers through his hair, looking slightly embarrassed at the outburst. Logan was suddenly very glad that none of his colleagues can see them like this: raging over the two girls that said _no. _It was probably pride more than anything else but still – it stung.

"What the crap," he agreed lightly, "I mean I offered her the chance to join the most elite social circle of America –"

"Enough money to buy a European castle –"

"A house with as many avocado trees as she could find –"

"And of course the chance to tame a notorious playboy..."

"And she refused for _what_?" He gestured to the photo of Rory and Jess bent over the book. "Some writer guy with his head in a book and apparently incapable of speaking in more than two syllables."

Chris gave a nod of understanding. "Well, never expect women to be logical I guess." He said, "Especially not those two."

Logan snorted, suddenly realising how pathetic this whole evening had been. He'd had success in life: a great job, friends and his background was nothing to sniff at...he'd never felt inadequate before. There'd never been someone he could compare with and say '_they've got more than me'. _

Because that was it: maybe Jess was still a lowly publisher (and Luke a working class diner owner) while he and Chris were flourishing businessmen but there'd always been a part of Rory that Logan couldn't reach.

It didn't happen often but when they were dating there were odd moments. She'd be absorbed in a book or talking to him about some new concept hands gesticulating wildly and he'd pause and think: "_I don't get it." _

Sure he was well educated and intelligent enough (he went to _Yale _for crying out loud) but they'd never quite been of the same mind. She had a level of passion that – no matter how hard he tried – was unreachable.

But from one evening with the two of them it had been obvious that Jess had been her freaking kindred spirit. "(_High school sweetheart – __rock around the clock, two straws in the milkshake."__)_ A regular 'soul mate'. Forever and always' type.

He understood_ it_. Her. Whatever.

Logan could tell it was the same for Chris and Lorelai. It obviously wasn't the same as Rory's passion but Lorelai had lived in a pretty crazy town, one that Luke belonged to. Despite Stars Hollow's apparently welcoming front, getting _in _wasn't easy and something told him that Chris never quite made it. Part of her life had been cut off from him.

Chris didn't seem to want to say any more and Logan couldn't be bothered to break the silence. He was tired, drunk (though nothing compared to how pissed he used to get) and sick of reminiscing anymore about Rory _freaking _Gilmore.

Honestly he was glad she was happy (and deliriously so if the photo was anything to go by). He wasn't so bitter he couldn't give her that.

But he realized now he'd been holding onto the idea that if he wasn't good enough for Rory – then _no one _would be.

Logan always imagined that one day she'd be sitting in her office somewhere, typing away at an article and she'd pause and think of him. In his imaginary scene she would remember when she handed the ring back and _regre_t it. Giving up on him – them – everything – because honestly how could she find a better offer?

But she had and somehow Logan knew that regret would be the last thing in her marriage.

He finished off his beer, draining the last drop from the bottle and walked over to place it on the gleaming worktop of the kitchen. In silence, he and Chris collected the photos off the floor and slipped them – in no particular order – into the clear casing of the photo album.

However when Chris bent down to pick up the Christmas card, he hesitated and slowly stood up to fiddle it from hand to hand. Logan swallowed dryly.

Still not speaking the two of them gazed down at the two photos and he was struck again at the brightness of the smiles Rory and Lorelai wore. He knew wedding photos were meant to be the epitome of joy and contentment and all that crap but because the pictures were candid their happiness looked a lot more real.

He sighed deeply and took the card from Chris's hand, settling it onto a high shelf so the photos could be seen.

"Leave it there," he said roughly, "It looks good."

Chris nodded. "Yeah." He agreed quietly, "It does. I should have put it up to start with."

He turned back to Logan, suddenly looking much older and wearier than he had at the beginning of the evening. "Anyway, its late, you should be going."

"I guess so." He held out his hand. "Thanks for your hospitality."

"No problem it was my...pleasure."

"Right."

They looked at each other for another moment with far more intensity than the polite farewell suggested. Logan knew no one would ever hear about this evening. It was merely a moment of weakness brought on by beer.

"Bye, then."

He turned and headed out into the hallway, making sure to shut the door behind him.

Maybe it wasn't that the Gilmore Girls looked for the _best_ offers. Maybe they just looked for something that could only be found in brooding writers and gruff diner owners.

But whatever it was – neither he nor Chris had it.

**X-X**

**Apologies if the two of them came off a bit OOC, in my defence they were both drunk and were likely to spout out a lot in those circumstances. I also hope I didn't give the impression that both Chris and Logan were spending their lives pining for Lorelai and Rory – I think they would both have pretty full lives but there'd always be that sliver of regret underneath it all. **

**So, as always review! If reviews are food then I am aiming to put on weight and need you – my producer's help **


End file.
